In the last installment of H.E.L.P., the Home Emergency Ladies' Pal, we girls learned some valuable lessons from the inside front cover, such as:

• Biscuit recipes, newspaper articles, and toy assembly are all hard.
• It's not our fault.
• What we need is a book that took men six years to write so that we can "get the information from the printed page into (our) mind... and then from (our) mind into the right action!"

With this foundation, I think we're ready to tackle the section on "How to Use This Book":

This book is arranged so you can find things fast and easily -- as it should be, to be of help in emergencies. Run your finger down the Table of Contents (opposite) and find the general section covering your problem (for example, if you have a drain problem, your finger would stop at PLUMBING). Now turn the book to look at the right edge and "fan out" the pages to see where the black line in the Table of Contents picks up again in the book. In this way you can turn directly to Plumbing on Page 37.

So we're not smart enough to use a Table of Contents without instruction, yet we get to play with electricity, gas, plumbing, carpentry, and people's lives? Cool!

Do not pick up the book and attempt to read it for enjoyment, as you might other books. This book is not designed to entertain you.

I guess these guys didn't see the women's movement and blogs coming. Hindsight is 20/20 I suppose....

Some of the procedures may be confusing if you start reading in the middle. Therefore, when you set out to do any of the jobs covered in this book, always start at the beginning of the appropriate section or subsection. Scan through first, and then begin step by step. If you do this, you won't get confused!

Most pages consist of words on the left and illustrations on the right. Any part referred to by name is followed by a number in paren­theses -- for example, valve [4]. This part is found in the illustration by looking for the same number (4, in this case) and noting where the arrow points. This way you always know what is being referred to, where it is and what it looks like. Sometimes the picture will not look exactly the same as the item in your house, because of the great variety of hardware on the market. But we have covered all of the more common types.

A word is needed about CAUTIONS and WARNINGS. Occasionally there is a chance you will damage something if you are not care­ful. We call your attention to this by a CAUTION before the step is performed. If there is the possibility of injuring somebody, we use a WARNING.

(taking notes) Reading from the middle: Bad! Things on the left: words; things on the right: pictures. Go to the store and buy the things in the pictures so as not to get confused. Invite the ex over for tea and store-bought biscuits. Upon arrival, try tasks with WARNINGS.

The Emergency Medical Aid section is unique in that there is really no substitute for on-the-spot judgment in medical emergencies. We have given generally accepted procedures for treating common accidents. These should be considered as guidelines only, which will help you avoid hasty, unthinking actions and indicate what can be done until professional care can be obtained.

(still taking notes) Blame the book and the inherent stupidity apparently associated with being a woman for failure to revive ex. Point to illustrations and feign confusion resulting from the fact that the picture does not look exactly the same as the ex.

Thus ends another enlightening installment of H.E.L.P. Stay tuned until next time when we'll either figure how to distinguish a hammer from a paintbrush or learn how to "survive." (It all will depend on my mood at the time and whether or not I can master this whole table-of-contents, page-fanning-out thing.)

This just in from the Thank Goodness I Was Not Born Back THEN Department of Grain of Salt:

I came across this gem a number of years ago at work. It was one of those things that someone acquired, put on a shelf, and forgot about for 20+ years. It is so hilarious (and/or historical and/or sad) that I simply had to have it. Then I promptly put it on my shelf and forgot about it until a lost CD led to some office scouring this afternoon. It seems such a shame to let the wisdom of this worthy tome go unheard. Therefore, I've decided to share it with you -- but only in small chunks since we, the members of the "fairer sex," find it so gosh darn difficult to understand complicated, manly affairs. Barbie wasn't kidding: This stuff IS hard; let's go shopping!

With no further ado, from the inside front cover:

You read something and don't understand it - a newspaper article, a recipe for biscuits, assembly instructions for a toy... You feel inadequate.

Yeah! Stupid biscuit recipe. I don't even like biscuits.

Don't. The instructions are at fault - not you.

They ARE? Well, gee, maybe I could give biscuits another try... and if that works out alright... Hey! Maybe I WILL read a newspaper!

Wait, JD, take it easy: First tackle biscuits, then see if you're up for reading. You don't want to take on too much, now do you?

A thing only seems complicated because you were never properly shown how to use it, how to fix it.

(eyes flour and water suspiciously)

But a thing becomes simple and friendly when you have the right words and pictures to tell you about it.

At Xyzyx we apply scientific techniques to help you do things you never thought you could do.

Stay tuned for further installments of H.E.L.P. here at Grain of Salt to learn what these amazing feats are!

In developing these techniques, we first studied what kinds of things bother you.

You mean, being treated like a complete idiot?

We then determined how to get the information from the printed page into your mind... and then from your mind into the right action!

Nope, apparently that's not what they meant....

Thus, the simplicity of this book is no accident. It took us about six years of research...

I'm sure it did as it was no doubt written by men.

Well girls, that's the end of this installment of the Home Emergency Ladies' Pal. Next time we'll learn "how to use this book" -- which makes the inside front cover pale in comparison!