Seeing as how I wouldn't want Janice's breath to be bated indefinitely....

One of the many things I enjoy about being ADHD is the ability to hyperfocus. I suppose this ability might seem counterintuitive given that the primary characteristic of being ADHD is seemingly a complete and utter INABILITY to sustain focus. But if conditions are just right, you can attain a rather zen-like state. At least I can. And conditions, lately, have been just right.

Not being a doctor -- not that I trust them -- I cannot say for certain why I (and apparently others with ADHD) can hyperfocus, but here's my theory: Supposedly, one possible cause of ADHD is a (chemically) under-stimulated brain. That is presumably why drugs such as Ritalin work: They bring the brain up to a "normal" level of stimulation.

When I find something so interesting, so compelling -- and in my case, sufficiently challenging -- that I simply must learn about it and/or figure it out, I suspect that my enthusiasm and motivation is somehow causing my brain to reach that "normal" level naturally. Toss in some Ritalin for good measure and I'm golden: happy, energetic, entertained, curious, and (if I do say so myself) creative and clever -- at least with respect to the task I'm hyperfocused on.

Admittedly there are some downsides: Janice is turning blue due to a prolonged case of bated breath, my connection with the outside world has diminished considerably, and Ze Frank has become my sole source of news. (I was screwed during "Happy Week.")

I am not a woman of balance.

I don't want to be a woman of balance.

I won't bore you with the details of the project I'm working on -- in a large part because the details would indeed bore most people who read my blog since the project is work-related. And then there's the whole business of trying to maintain my secret identity because if I haven't already said something here that might peeve my agency's management team and/or board, it is inevitable that I eventually will! Suffice it to say, this project is really cool if you happen to be me.

I'm still around though, and I plan to be at the Blog-Con (oh my gawd, it's already October!) -- that is if TJ hasn't banned me due to my falling off of the planet.

Breathe, Janice, breathe.

If you're ADHD then you know that random thoughts and ideas pop into your head for no apparent reason, and that there is an excellent chance you will then share those thoughts/ideas for no apparent reason. In that vein: If Douglas Adams were alive today, I think he'd make one hell of a podcaster.

After writing Better Living Through Chemistry?, I concluded that maybe I really should do a trial without Ritalin and see how things go. It's been nearly two weeks, and I'm not all that surprised at my findings: On the positive side, I'm more energetic and creative -- two things I want to be and sometimes need to be for work. I also seem to be falling asleep before 2 AM, which is nice. On the negative side, I say a lot more and hold onto thoughts a lot less. It reminds me of a joke my friend told me -- twice, because I forgot it the first time:

Friend: "How many people with ADHD does it take to screw in a light bulb?"

Me: "I dunno. How many?"

Friend: "Hey, what's that?"

What did surprise me is how much happier I feel. I wasn't depressed before, but things seem a lot more amusing now -- which may be a problem on those occasions when I cannot telecommute since I'm pretty sure the staff meetings are not meant to be funny.

Anyway.... I brought up my findings Friday at my regular pill-pusher appointment. Fortunately, the doc agrees with my desire to go a longer trial period being mostly off Ritalin, taking it only when it is necessary for the tasks at hand. I think he -- and I -- also got a feel for one of the reasons why I find this medicine beneficial: to prevent thoughts from coming out of my mouth before my brain can decide what to do with them. When he asked me how my short-term memory has been, I figured it was time to admit that I didn't take his trial of Aricept. His terse response: "I asked you how your short-term memory is." My response to that: "You know, I get the impression that sometimes I annoy the hell out of you." I didn't mean to say it, and I didn't say it tersely or confrontationally -- in fact I'm pretty sure I had a pleasant smile on my face. I wasn't angry. I do get that impression from him, but it doesn't hurt my feelings. I'm sure he enjoys talking to me as much as I enjoy talking to him. I was merely making an observation -- an observation that I shouldn't have made; the sort of observation that in another context (like a meeting at work) could get me into trouble. I am definitely taking Ritalin on those days I go to the office....

Today I had another Cat scan. This time of the liver and with contrast. I was supposed to have it with and without contrast, but apparently insurance only approved the test with. I can't say that I blame them: Cat scans can't be cheap. By the same token, if the doctor thinks that doing both is medically necessary, I wish the insurance company wouldn't deny it -- not that I want to spend any more time in that blessed machine. Oh well. With any luck the results from this one will also cause my doctor to say those beautiful words, "Don't worry," and then one more Cat scan in January and, fingers crossed, I'll be all set!

While I was waiting to be checked in, I looked on my form and saw "NRP" under religion. I assume NRP stands for "no religious preference" and not "no religion please." Since I put "secular humanist" down this go around, even though secular humanism is not a religion per se, I was a little bummed to see NRP. To me, NRP means that I don't have a religious preference, which is not the case. I do have a religious preference: no religion. But now I am curious about what it will take to get them to change NRP into something else. Secular Humanism struck out -- even when I asked the woman who registered me to change it. She simply smiled and said that I didn't have a religious preference. Okay, thank you for clarifying that for me, ma'am. Silly me for thinking I had one.... After the fact I noticed that she was wearing Christian jewelry around her neck....

Next time I will try something more along the lines of an actual religion that somewhat agrees with my outlook on life, such as Buddhism. Or maybe Taoism or Confucianism, although I'd have to read up on them just in case someone asks me a question. I toyed with the notion of putting paganism or wicca just to see the response, but decided against it as it might offend the folks at St. Joe's who seem quite nice (not to mention the fact that they control the amount of radiation that gets pumped into my body....)

Day after day, I've been staring at this shiny little trial package of Aricept. Day after day, I debate what to do with it, every time concluding that I could worry about it later since the every-other-month appointment where I "check in," and field questions about how I'm doing with my Ritalin is still over a month away. Well, weeks away. Oh crap: It's next week, and I still cannot motivate myself to try these little white circles of anti-Alzheimer's joy that my pill pusher insists will help my short-term memory.

Ya know, life was better before the pill pusher. I used to have a very nice primary care physician who, at my request, had talked to the very nice psychiatrist I used to see for ADHD treatment, and the two of them agreed that I really didn't need to continue seeing a separate doctor for the sole purpose of getting the same ol' script month after month. Then that very nice doctor retired, and I now have a doctor who will not prescribe Ritalin. Not to me. Not to anyone. Period. End of story. I think I can see where he's coming from: Prescribing drugs that have a reputation for being over-prescribed and abused, when the condition for which you are prescribing them isn't even your speciality, sounds like a headache to me. But his position means that I now have to see another doctor every other month for 20 minutes and have the same conversation over and over again. It's like the movie "Groundhog Day," only with more tedium and fewer groundhogs.

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